So results are finally in on my Nana. She has lung cancer that spread to a spot on her brain. They are going to start radiation on her brain to try and shrink it then move on to her lungs. It sucks but her and my mom's relationship is better than it has ever been in their entire life. Nana would verbally abuse my mom and was just plain mean to her for no reason. Now it's like nothing ever happened like that. Its strange, but good.

On the job front. I had my last evaluation from the other lady. Her concern was that when the students were working in groups the students i was working with were focused and attentive but all the other groups were off task and having inappropriate conversations. She was also concerned that we keep having the same conversations and i haven't seemed to be growing. I told her how i've been struggling with not being happy and that i think it's the age group. She told me that i'm a very good teacher and that if she could she would want me to teach her kids and she doesn't tell everyone that. That is just not the age group for me. She gave me some good advice and told me that she would help me in any way she could. So i asked her if i would be asked back next year, on my cover of my evaluation its' marked unsatisfactory. She said that she did not know if i would be asked back but as soon as she hears anything she would let me know. They are getting rid of 2 biology teachers, so i'm probably going to be one of them. I really don't see how they could keep me. My parents don't want me to leave there until i have something lined up because they hear horrier stories of the job shortage. If i come home in the evening and some evenings i hope that something catastrophic happens in the world so that i don't have to go back to work in the morning, i don't think that's the place for me. 

This reminds me of a dream i had during the summer, it was that i was fired. At first i was sad then i had this overwhelming feeling of relief. I kinda have that feeling of relief again because i don't have to go back there next summer, i can find something that will make me happy, hopefully. So now i'm looking for a middle school science teaching job. I found two in seneca and i'm going to send my information to them at the end of the week when i have all my letters in a row. Wish me luck!

My mom was telling me today that she saw my old principal from Jr High at work and she told him my situation how i'm not happy where i'm working and that i was thinking of quitting there and looking for another teacher job probably at a Jr high. He suggested if i have a job stay there because apparently there are more teachers out there than there are jobs. So now i have this bad feeling that i may have to stay there another year  or so cause i may not be able to find another job. I was evaluated by the other lady last week Friday. She said that she was going to come in again and see me on Monday or Tuesday but she never did, i'm wondering if she changed her mind and what she saw was enough. She did tell me when she left that she liked the activity i was doing on Friday. Who knows. I'll find out on Tuesday if she thinks i'll be asked back next year. ugh. Before i had this hopeful feeling that i didn't have to stay there i could find something else and have a chance at finding something that might make me happy, but now i don't know what will happen.

I broke up a fight yesterday in my class. (i'm really proud about this) It was at the end of class they had gotten new seats (apparently certain students should not sit by each other..now i know) I was was walking around the classroom and i turn around and see one kid punching on another kid I yelled the kid doing the punching's name and pull him off the other kid. I then stand in between them. Then the punching kid looks at me and asks me if he can sit down. (what?!)The other kid that got punch is proceeding to bleed everywhere. I go and call security to come and get the fighting students. I was shaking but very happy that i controlled the situation.

The principal observed me today. He saw my one and only favorite class so that was good. I think it went well. Who knows what he was thinking though.

I keep forgetting things this week. On Tuesday i forgot the dvd i wanted to show in class at home in my laptop, i had to run around like crazy finding and burning another copy and getting it all done with 15min to spare before class started. Today i left my purse at home. 

I"ve been so busy and tired that i have not shaved my legs since January 19th. In order for me to shave my legs i like to take a bathe and that has been too much effort for me lately. I hope i find time soon.

Nana is home from the hospital. Still do not know what is in her lung. They did 2 biopsy on her and they both came back inconclusive. She is having a 4 hour total body scan on my b-day Saturday. It's strange my mom and Nana never really had a good relationship because Nana verbally abused my mom (called her names and told her she was worthless and such) My mom always hoped for her to be nice and treat her like she did everyone else and i guess she got her wish cause ever since she's been in the hospital she has been really nice and no guilt trips and mean behavior. My mom has said why now, why not earlier, i just hope she stays nice like this for mom's sake.

Earlier in the month i was depressed about getting older. I thought at this age i would have kids and i'm worried about getting too old to have kids. I'm starting to feel the need that i just may want one of those. (one preferably like Megan my youngest niece) Now with my career and crap the way it is, i'm not sure when it will happen.

I want a haircut but don't know when i will have time for one.

I want to do something for my b-day on Saturday but my house is a mess and i won't have time to clean it the way i would want it to look for more then a few people to come over. I wonder if that makes any sense?

Ten minutes before i turn into a pumpkin. I should go shower so i can collapse into bed, so freakin tired.