I've been contemplating life recently because i've been so unhappy and stressed with my job and i've come to some conclusions. If i were to grade myself on how good a teacher i am i would give myself a C. I'm about average, i don't really go out of my way to do wonderful things in the classroom, but i don't think i suck either. If i were to grade myself when i was a vet assistant i would have given myself an A maybe even an A+. I was freakin awesome at the job i did everything cleaning, restocking, assisting with surgeries, caring for animals, and i did a good job at it and i enjoyed doing (well most of it, poop smells bad, and bites hurt) it.

I realized why i got into teaching, which for the longest time i couldn't even remember why i did, i could just remember thinking it was something i could do. My senior year in high school i took Anatomy and Physiology and loved it. It was then that i decided i wanted to be an A and P teacher, and yeah sure have some biology classes on the side, whatever...focus on the A n P. But then when i got into the education classes and teaching classes and realized that the most common job out there that i'm endorsed in is Biology, i kinda forgot why i got into it in the first place. Another thing that makes me a C teacher is that i'm not passionate about Biology. It's hard for me to get excited about my subject matter, which is terrible. A teacher needs to freakin love her subject matter and exude that all over the students.(which sounds messy) If i was talking about sternocleidomastoids, and phalanges i think that would be a different story, but i'm not. So when people say oh it's just your school i've realized that in that respect it's not just my school, cause i don't think i would be as passionate about my subject matter at another school either.

I am not the teacher i thought i would be, and i don't think it's fair to my students. I should want to know more about my content area and keep informed on the information that i'm teaching, but i don't and i get annoyed when they ask a lot of questions cause i don't really know the answers to them. Granted a lot of the questions they ask are off the wall questions that no one would really know (Andy probably would though...::shakes fist::) like why does an air bag burn your skin, i can make stuff up and postulate but i don't freakin know.

Anyway i had my pre-conference today with one of the people that is going to observe me. It's my fourth year, the year they decide if they are going to keep me or not. She kept saying not to put pressure on you but it's your fourth year. You shouldn't really have discipline problems and that she want's to see me hit one out of the park cause she really hasn't ever seen that from me. So she's really expecting a lot from me and i don't know if she's gonna like what she see's and i'm scared. Granted i don't really like my job all that much but a job i dislike is better than no job at all. She was asking me all these questions and i was trying to make myself sound really good, yes i've been more excited in my lessons and yes i'm more confident in the classroom and yes i pertain the class to real world situations. Yes i have a good repore with my students and am able to make relationships with them (that part was never hard) I hope i can deliver when the time comes and put on a spectacular show and make it to next year so i can work there while i figure out what else i want to do.

Last weekend at the Halloween party, i don't know who she was (she was the one that came with the one dressed like Carrie) but we were talking and she was saying how she used to be a chemistry teacher and didn't care for all the outside work and took some classes and became a librarian at a school. She said it's really easy and went on about her job. That got me thinking. I've never been good at the constant talking and discipline with being a teacher. I honestly don't really like to talk a lot. I've never felt that i knew enough information to be a teacher. I don't really like being confined to having to do something for certain hours of the day. I love books, I love helping students that want help. I think this might be better for me than being a teacher. If you guys have any opinions about this yea or nah please, please, give some advice.

Today I found out that they just added some more science classes to the curriculum, one of them being medical terminology. I am really interested in this class but i doubt there would be 5 classes of it to teach, so that means i'd probably have to teach something else with it, and i can barley teach one subject alone and have a life as it is there's no way i could do more. That might be interesting though, but then i think i might fall into the same problems as above with not knowing enough, but at least i may be more passionate about it then about just biology. Dunno...feed back would be appreciated. Thanks for reading my ramble. =)

Something i just thought of, when i was helping my mom's friend in a biology class from juco, i got the feeling that kept me going in teaching this rush of i know something and i can help you i want to do something that gives me that feeling. Okay i'm done now.